George, age 92, and Alice, age 89, are excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in.  George addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"  The pharmacist answers "Yes".
George: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." George: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."  George: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."  George: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course." George: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"  Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." George: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."  George: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."  George says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

 

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if  they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.   Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father  has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends  to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you  can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.  Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer now! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

 

 

1)  It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old
> Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned
> home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they
were for.  People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

2)  One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the
> children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
> He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a
> little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

 

3)  The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support
> a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just
> planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for
> yourselves."

4)  Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered
> "Thirty-nine and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "And how
> old would you be if you let go?"

5)  A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers
> passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy
> said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."

 

6)  During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from
> crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached
> over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her out burst.  Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if your grandfather was still alive."

 

7)  The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
 * *********************************** 

 

One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did > their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!Pray for me!"
 * *********************************** 

 

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
 * ***********************************

 

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
 * ***********************************

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 * ***********************************

 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother a sked.. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
 * ***********************************

 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
 * ***********************************

 

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
 * ***********************************

 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
 * ***********************************

 

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
 * ***********************************

 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
 * ***********************************

 

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Final ly, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.